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When will he be ready?

blur-lady — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 01:07:04 +0800

Hi there. So I have been dating my bf for almost 9 years now. He’s in his late 20s and I’m in my mid 20s.

With the period we have been dating, I’m definitely looking forward to get married and eventually start a family later. But however, my bf don’t seem ready as he still yet to get a house and a car. No there isn’t any financial issues with him, in fact he’s been looking for a house since 3 years ago but still nothing is progressing.

He don’t seem to want to settle down soon as he always mention bout his colleagues getting married in their mid 30s and there’s nothing wrong with that. I on the other hand is worried as with the age catching up, it seems like there’s no benefit for me.

Guys, when only you will deem you are ready for marriage?

-Extra info-
House + car is his priority and decision to have before marriage. He is against renting house outside.

FYI I never force him to get a house or a car just to satisfy my needs because I already own those.
I have bought a condo this year (new project, under construction) and I own a car.

I did suggested to him to move into my condo when it’s completed but he suggests that he still want to buy his own house and that we stay in his.

Cheapskate bf

blur-lady — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 23:43:49 +0800

I had dated my bf for 3 years and I realized that he is a cheapskate type of bf.

I admit that I love gifts.
Not because I'm materialistic, but just because to me, gift is another symbol of love and thoughtfulness.
I gave presents every year. When I see his wallet spoiled, I just go get him a new one even though its not any special occasion.
But last year's birthday he didn't gave me anything, which is rather upsetting because I think I was not in his mind.

I did talk to him about how upset I am. He would give me excuses like no time, hard to choose etc.
I mean, if I really matter...no matter how not free you are, surely you would find some time, no?
Before any special occasions he will complain to me "Haiz, another day that need to buy present again".
Is that really hard?

For dates we always go dutch (pay our own things)
He doesn't have license nor a car (he dont plan to have one since he is working in KL - the horrible jam, and does not have the money to afford a car yet).
My mum would actually fetch him from his house then send us to a nearby bus stop and use public transport to go for dates everytime.
I am embarassed to ask my mom every time so that she can send us out.
I didn't tell him this as I think it would hurt him and he might think himself as useless.

He is a man of ego, stubborn and independent.
He does not want to rely on his parents for car and he will work hard for things he want to have.

Here the problem comes, ever since he started working

- His expenses went rocket high
- He gets those this he want instead of things he need
- Instead of using money to learn driving, he spends it on watch, gadgets, cameras etc (We argue a lot about this)
- He insisted that he knows what he is doing with his money, that I shouldn't worry too much. How am I not to worry?
- Previously before he buys things, he would tell me. But now he don't bother telling or asking for my opinion. And when I find out myself, we would argue again.

What is on my mind is that you can spend thousands of ringgit on yourself, but not just a cheap gift for your own gf?
I don't know if this opinion of mine is silly.

My mum sometimes will ask me what is his good points and why not be with somebody else who is more capable in giving me happiness since I am still young.
I argued with my mom alot of times due to this (as she tried to break us up) and I fight till the very end. (He doesn't knows it anyway)
He is kind, loyal, nice. Doesn't smoke or do drugs, have a stable job. Practically a good man whom I can hardly find.
But one thing, I feel insecure sometimes.

We talked about marriage for fun and he is pretty certain that I am his One and that we will not break up (in which I'm really touched).
I did think that he is the One whom I will marry, but I do not know if he can really give me long term happiness.
With him being cheapskate on gf now, I don't know if he really can be generous to his own wife.

What do you think of this relationship?
If it's you, would you carry on or just leave him and find a better one?

QUOTE

EDIT :

- There's no sex involved as we both had agreed to it earlier due to religion.

- I am not upset just because there's no gift. But rather disappointed at how he spends his money just on himself and satisfying his wants. I am definitely fine if he is saving for future, i fully support it. But right now, he is just getting everything he wish to have.
You dont have to make judgemental comments that I'm materialistic, lame, or whatsoever.

- And of course I love him for who he is. If i don't love him, would i be arguing with my own mum over him? NO.

- I am just asking for your opinion on whether to choose a love you are deeply in OR a possibly better future.

- I DID NOT WANT TO END A RELATIONSHIP JUST BECAUSE OF A GIFT. If i do, i would have end it earlier already without asking here.

LATEST UPDATE : 27 Feb

QUOTE

I had been working outside lately and got totally burned out, exhausted and really tired. Since the few weeks back, we had been giving quite a cold shoulder to each other. And I thought of breaking up for both of our own good.

The feeling of love we used to have had kind of drifted apart. We have our own stress and busy with our own things. He went yamcha with his friends last weekend and we did not meet to talk about our problem.

I feel tired being the one who is putting in effort in our relationship. A relationship should be both people who put in effort, no? I couldn't cope with what I'm going through (personal and also in my workplace) and he told me he had been stressed due to work and resigning soon.

And so few days back, I talked to him and asked him how he feel of us. He said it was normal like any other couple. I told him about what I think about our relationship, the lacking feeling of sparks, butterflies in our tummy and what we used to have. He wasn't aware of it and he asked me what do I want.

I said I want us both to work together and relive our relationship like what it was before. I hope we can both improve and strengthen the relationship again instead of breaking up and lose everything. He agreed to it and we are now trying really hard to repair what is broken. I think what I did was right. Isn't it?

We hope that we can really succeed one day. Please wish us luck. Thanks for the reading and support/comments all of you left, you had made some slight difference and banged in some fact I never knew of inside my head.

Thanks again.

LATEST UPDATE : 29 Mar

We went on a short vacation together. Things had went pretty well.
He seem to be changing positively (ever since we talked). He paid for meals and when I try return him the money, he refused to accept.
I put it in his wallet secretly though.
He mentioned about taking driving lessons soon.
He started talking about where to go for our next vacation and also wedding honeymoon which surprised me and nevertheless made me really happy and touched (He never liked to talk about things that would happen in far future).
We were really happy during our holiday and I would wish that the time just stop right there.

an affair

blur-lady — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 12:57:44 +0800

Just this morning, my mum told me that she caught my dad cheating.
She was going to the supermarket to get some bread and that was when she saw my dad's car trying to park in front of a restaurant.
A lady came down from his car, entering the restaurant while my dad is parking. Its a young china lady in her 20s.
My mother's car was right behind and she honked him because he nearly bang while parking.

My dad just went blank looking at my mom. Does not know what to do.
The china lady came out looking sort of like giving my dad that "Why aren't you coming down?" look
My dad signalled her to go in, and then make a call in his car (to the china lady most likely) and the lady went up to the shop house above (should be the place she stays)

My dad went into the restaurant and called my mum asking why isn't she coming down and say if you want to eat then come down.
My mum came down and they sort of argued in the restaurant and she left.
My dad say that the girl was his friend's gf (like seriously? who the hell would let your friend eat alone together with own gf?)
My mum of course did not believe and she went home.
My dad came back and he brought along his friend which claim to be the china lady's bf to explain, my mum say that "if you aren't guilty, why not let her come and join breakfast with us?" to my dad.

My dad ask his friend to just ignore my mum. And now they are planning for a divorce.
My mum say to divorce, my dad agree to it (well of course, he has that china lady now)
She had seen my dad's car quite often around the neighbourhood and when she calls to ask what is he doing, he would say doing/chatting business.
She also saw his car sometimes at a nearby apartment.

I'm the eldest in my family. I didn't know what to do.
I do not want to see my family broken up just because of the f***ing china lady
At the same time i think it isn't fair for my mum either.
She's been taking care of this family well as hard as she can and here it is, my dad is cheating on her.
Can anyone advise me on what to do?

EDIT : This isn't the first time my dad cheated. Long time ago, my dad cheated with another lady too but the lady left him because that time my dad fail in his business and became tight in wallet.