Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by lostsoulx

Partner Splurging Unnecessarily

lostsoulx — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 12:07:43 +0800

Been contemplating putting this here in case she finds this but I could really used some advice.

I have been dating this girl for a while now. We're both at a point where we would most likely build our lives together (i.e. we're at the age where most would be married and have started a family).

Towards that goal, I'm constantly thinking of saving more money as part of family planning (buy bigger house, have kids, provide family with comfortable life). Especially with the pandemic and deteriorating economy, I'm always worried about job security. I see many people getting laid off - Experienced seniors, peers, bosses, sometimes even entire teams.

Now, I wouldn't say I'm Scrooge McDuck - We still go out for nice meals, brunches, drinks at cafes/bars and the likes; and we spend on "wants" but we do not splurge crazily on ourselves.

Recently I found out that she has been spending crazy money buying meals and presents for her friends. Going for fine dining, giving branded presents from the likes of LV, BV, Hermes, Channel, etc. While its okay for her to spend her own money how she sees fit, what irks me most is that she puts in the effort to hide these from me. For example, she would quickly hide these gifts as soon as she comes home and at the same instant turns around and say "come see what I bought today!" so that I would not be aware of those luxury gifts. I only found out when one of her friends came by and thanked her for the gift. She's done this before (with a pair of custom made diamond earrings no less!) which led to an argument and her excuse back then was "I didn't think you would find out so fast. I was finding an opportunity to tell you.".

She knows I'm conscious when it comes to spending, so sometimes I feel like these funds could be redirected into something else for the both of us to supplement our nest eggs; such as saving up for future or even pay for meals/dates rather than having me foot most of the bills when we're together (many would argue that this is the "men's responsibility" which I disagree because women have been campaigning for gender and pay equality but I digress).

My personal thoughts are that she has an issue of trying too hard to impress or keep her friends by her side. I do not think its normal considering the value of these gifts. We are comfortable but we aren't ultra rich. I don't want to bring this up and cause a whole other argument. I am already picturing her saying its her money she can do whatever she wants and me being angry. So for now, I'm just trying to pretend like I did not hear what her friend said that night and just keeping mum about it. It is however still bothering me so much so that when I look at her I'd be reminded that she is hiding stuff from me and just keep silent or be moody. If I am being honest, what's really bothering me is 30% wasting money that could be put to more practical use and 70% hiding it from me. I feel that it would not have bothered me as much if she was upfront about it.

For those of you who has been in a stable relationship or has experienced something similar, I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way? Would it be wiser to just keep my mouth shut and look past this or do I bring it up and risk an argument for such a thing? How do I even bring it up in a nice, non-challenging manner?

P/S She's never bought any of those branded goods for me before. Only for her friends (and in one case, her intern ).

I can't love again

lostsoulx — Sun, 13 Aug 2017 19:50:44 +0800

Background:
- Broke up with first girlfriend 4 years ago
- We've been together for 7 years
- Took a long period of rotting, wallowing in self-pity, suicidal, depression to get over
- Met a girl in 2015, dated her a couple of months. Realize I haven't got over my ex, ended things
- Threw myself in work, moved on (or at least I feel that way)

So here's the story..I met another girl few months ago. She's crazy hyper, caring, and just friendly all round. I liked her a lot and talked to her almost daily. She felt the same way about me.

Just as things started to get serious, I suddenly pulled back. I gave myself so many excuses not to be in a relationship with her. I told her that I don't want to be in a relationship and I know it must have hurt her.

Since then I have been thinking, everything was going well and smooth - What went wrong all of a sudden? It's not as though I still have feelings for any of my previous girlfriends. I'm beginning to feel like I may have lost the ability to fall in love.

Or could it be that I am just afraid of the hurt that comes with falling in love and breaking up? Should I just learn to accept this fact as another part and parcel of my life? Just recently, I have had a discussion with my family about not wanting to get married, ever. They were shocked and strongly advised against that notion.

I do want to fall in love, but I just can't, and I don't know why or how to overcome this. I am at a lost here.

Advise needed.

What is success?

lostsoulx — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 22:11:32 +0800

(Long post ahead)

Lately I've been thinking a lot. How is success defined?

I used to always think that success is measured by money. I grew up in a middle income family - we live comfortably but we don't splurge. My dad was not working for most part due to his failed business. That means no expensive holidays, no expensive food (once in a blue moon such as celebration for good results etc), no branded goods and so on. So growing up I was always looking at others who can buy whatever they want or just eat anything they feel like. Me on the other hand will be saving every penny from what my mum gives me to school (I usually pack bread for recess).

After graduating, I was getting paid few thousand a month, but that time it felt so little. I was still careful with spending, no big ticket items or luxury goods. I give my parents a couple hundred monthly and would buy my family meals once in a while. My income felt limiting but I was living with my family back then, using my dad's car so it didn't really matter much. I didn't really pay attention to the money back then as a lot of stuff has been taken care of for me. However in the back of my mind I always knew I wanted more especially when comparing to my cousins or friends as I graduated slightly later than them (probably one of the reason I broke up with my ex). Despite earning more than some, I was still a freshie while some were seniors already in whatever organisations they're in.

Moving forward, I got offered a job overseas. The offer was good so I jumped on it without second thoughts. It was difficult at the same time as I grew up living with family (I've never stayed away from them before), but I was thinking the money is more important. My parents were reluctant but they knew they couldn't stop me. Now I'm earning more, but surprisingly my lifestyle did not change much (apart from increased expenses for rent, food here more expensive etc).

Now I constantly find myself doubting my decision. Being away from home feels pretty lonely. Although I try to go back every couple of weeks, I feel that I do not spend enough time with my old folks at all. They have given so much to me and made me who I am today. I owe everything I have to them. I just keep having the thoughts of ending up having regrets in the future - regret not giving them more, regret not spending enough time with them etc. I do give them a money every month but I don't know what more can I do for them. I know they are proud of me but what's the point when we are all so far apart? How many more good years are there? 20?30? I can't go back to working in Malaysia nor can they migrate here. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. Another thing that adds to this is most likely due to the fact that the amount of real friends I have can be counted with one hand.

To most, they would say I'm making the right choice; but to me, I really don't know. I've chased the one thing I thought was most important in life growing up. Now that I am where I am (not that I am earning ridiculous amounts of money), it sure doesn't seem like what I imagined - Feels like it came with a price.

Come share your thoughts on how do you define success.

3 years later.

lostsoulx — Thu, 01 Dec 2016 18:12:11 +0800

I've posted my story here years ago: https://forum.lowyat.net/index.php?showtopic=2991543&hl=

Quick update on what happened then after my last post: I spent 1 year trying to get over her. It was one of the lowest point in my life. I lost all confidence and just couldn't bring myself to do anything or meet anyone. Everyday just sitting in front of the tv, eat and sleep. I was depressed.

After a while I tried picking myself up. It was difficult and awkward, akin to a baby trying to learn to walk or speak. I was so used to being a hermit and hiding from the world. I lost contacts with all my friends as was just generally unhappy.

I started applying for jobs. By that time she's already on the back of my mind and I moved on. Got myself a relatively good job and things went by okay. I poured all my focus on my job and didn't have time for anything else. I may have been doing this on purpose so that I don't think about love again.

Deep down, I know I still miss my ex. I do not have the urge to check how's she doing and stuff, although once in a blue moon when I bumped into a mutual friends they would mention her and how she's planning some investments with her bf.

A couple of months ago I met this girl. She's really nice and loves unconditionally. I like her a lot and we dated. However I still think of my ex off and on and it felt unfair to my current gf, so I decided to break up with her after a couple of months. I hurt her badly but I just couldn't continue being with someone while thinking of another.

Few months later, I decided to leave everything behind. I got a job offer overseas and decided to take it, thinking it could be a fresh start. However as of late, I started thinking of my ex more and more. I don't know why or how I could stop this feeling. I just miss her a lot. I want to just have a conversation with her, asking how has she been etc. I know for sure that I don't want to be with her again, but somehow I just want to be friends with her. After all, she was my Best Friend in high school all the way till university.

How do I truly move on?

Unsure of what job I should get

lostsoulx — Wed, 11 Jun 2014 18:02:38 +0800

I just completed my ACCA. Usually, the normal progression path after ACCA would start from the Big 5, mainly auditing. I always disliked auditing so I did not apply for any Big 5 jobs.

Hypothetically speaking, if you can choose any jobs related to this field, what would your choice be? On the top of my head I'm thinking Investment banking, but I am looking for more suggestions with jobs that pays well (if not now, then in the future). The other stuffs I'm thinking are management trainee in banks, graduate trainee in O&G industries, consultation in the big 5.

I've been given a chance (think once in a lifetime) to meet up with a certain someone to choose a job of my preference. It is not limited to any individual company so its pretty wide what my choices are.

Meeting up with old friend

lostsoulx — Tue, 10 Dec 2013 14:04:40 +0800

I'm meeting up with an old friend for lunch. Any suggestions for a place 2 bros can hang out for lunch? Preferably around PJ.

Getting over someone you still love

lostsoulx — Fri, 11 Oct 2013 20:11:11 +0800

I split up with my ex in May. I never wanted it but it seems to me that she was unhappy being in a relationship with me so I accepted it. In retrospect, I wasn't in a clear state of mind at that time. I was under heavy work load and stressed with other things that was going on in my life. I agreed to separate with her even though I didn't want to.

I thought that I would be able to get over her in due time but it turns out I couldn't. I still love her a lot, probably more that anything else in my life. I have never loved anything or anyone this much. Not even my parents, not even myself. It seems to me that she may have started a new relationship with someone else, but I do not know who it is. I found out she has a date sometime soon, and I have a rough idea where it would be. I am thinking of just going there and look from afar to see if she really is seeing someone else, even though I probably shouldn't.

Would doing that help me move on? As it seems now I'm fully anchored at the same spot. I want to move on, but it is impossible. Its affecting my everyday life, my concentration, and my relationships with my family and friends. So many thoughts and questions are running through my mind at every second everyday. I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe seeing her happy in a new relationship would help me let go? I don't know.

My worse fear is that she would be dating her boss, who is a married man that constantly flirts with her when we were together. I may snap his neck if I ever come face to face with him. I feel like I'm about to lose myself anytime.

I don't know what to do now. I need help. Real help. Not the usual "Man up, time will heal, etc". I need to do something. Please.

Is there a psychiatrist I could talk to anonymously?

"We need to have a serious talk"

lostsoulx — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:02:20 +0800

So I just gone through the other thread with similar title here in CC. They ended up ending the relationship.

I just met up with my girlfriend of 7 years few hours ago, and she said the exact same thing - "We need to have a serious talk"

A little background info:
- We fell in love in high school, got together officially after high school
- In the beginning its all good, we'd spend a lot of time together in shopping malls, movies etc
- During college time she'd arrange her timetable to suit mine, because mine is fixed
- I pick her to and fro college/uni
- Some of her classes are different but she don't mind, she would go earlier by an hour or 2 and some days wait for me for that long
- Couple of years into the relationship she went overseas to study. I found out she had feelings for another guy and spending lots of time with him, we broke up
- She begged me to accept her back and when she came back we got back together
- After she graduate she started working(I'm in my final year).

So basically that is the summary of our 7 years together. The past few months after she started working, we don't do much together. On weekends she wants to stay home to rest due to her hectic work schedule.

At least once a week, she would hang out with her Uni mates and have fun with them (I'm not invited) and I'm fine with that. She always tells me how they have so much fun laughing and stuff.

Sometimes she would complain that we don't do much as couples, which I agree upon. I have low self-esteem which makes me very reluctant to meet her family due to the fact I'm still a student at 23 and she's working at 23.

After she started working, we started talking lesser and lesser which I don't complain about because I know she's busy. Sometimes we don't even talk/sms a few days a week.

Well, just now she just told me those dreaded words - "We need to have a serious talk." And she couldn't look me in the eye when she said that.

I asked her, "What's up?" even though I suspect she wants to break up.

She replied, "Never mind, we will talk after your exams (which is in mid June)."

So I said, "Why can't you just tell me what you want to talk about? You're leaving me hanging."

Then she just said, "We need to talk about our future. I have plans for my future. What are your plans?"

I'll skip the boring part about what I told her about my plans.

After all that conversation I told her, "I thought what serious issue you wanted to discuss. You sounded like you wanted to break-up with me."

And she replied, "That's not what I wanted to talk about. We'll talk after your exams."

So I said, "If you're not comfortable being with me, just let me know straight..because I don't want to hold you back."

Then she said, "We don't do anything together. When I'm at home I feel so lonely."

In my mind I was thinking - What the hell? On weekends when I asked her out she always says she's tired and wants to rest at home.

So I just said, "Well, if you don't want to be with me anymore you can just tell me."

After a few more dialogues she said she wants to go home and rest after a long day from work.

I somehow have a gut feeling that she wants to break-up with me.

I still love her a lot. I think about her all the time. I certainly do not want things to end between us.

So guys, especially those who are in a happy, successful relationship, tell me what I should do for her. Should I be buying her flowers every time I go pick her up? Should I be buying more surprise gifts for her? I really don't know. This is my first relationship, and I want it to last. Help me.

Sorry for the wall of text.