Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by Ralna

Forget Dating Apps, Build Your Personal Brand

Ralna — Mon, 29 Jun 2026 21:57:53 +0800

It's been 2.5 months since I last wrote about Ideal Women in Their 30s and 40s. When I read back my thread, I laughed at how cute I was for being so down over two men for such a long time.

If I could advise my younger self, I'd tell her:

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OK, back to the topic.

I definitely don't want to use dating apps to meet new men again.
I feel sick and tired of replying to messages nonstop.
Most of those men fall under the red and neutral zones in my ACS.

So I've been thinking about a more organic way to meet high-quality men.

---

After some reflection, I came up with this strategy.
Instead of putting my energy into dating apps, why not put that same energy into building myself and my personal brand?

Over the next six months, I want to become the best version of myself:
• Continue my health and fitness journey (already lost 6kg and getting happy and confident again ^^)
• Grow my L&D business.
• Create content consistently.
• Share my knowledge, insights and expertise.
• Build a community around these topics.

Then I realised something.

If my content eventually reaches tens of thousands of people, statistically there will probably be quite a number of single men among my followers too.
The difference is that they'll already know who I am through my ideas, values and personality, instead of judging me based on a few photos and a short dating profile.

Based on my experience teaching nearly 5,000 students so far, I've realised that people who resonate with my style tend to stick around for a long time. Many of my adult students became regulars, and my classes were almost always fully booked. At one point, my academic manager even joked that I had developed a "cult following" of students. The academy eventually had to tweak the booking system because my classes filled up too quickly. There were even times when my class was fully booked while another teacher teaching the same class at the same time had no students at all.

Throughout my 15 years in education, my teaching evaluations have consistently been either 5/5 stars or above 90%.
I'm simply taking the same strengths that have worked well for me and applying them to social media.

If, along the way, a like-minded man happens to discover my content and appreciates me for my ideas, values, personality (and maybe my voice too ), I'd say that's a much better starting point than matching on a dating app. Even if I don't meet anyone, I still end up with a healthier body, a stronger business, a recognised personal brand, and hopefully a positive impact on others.

Worst-case scenario: no boyfriend, but got money, business and popularity. Still a good deal ma. LOL.
Best-case scenario: got a boyfriend plus money, business and popularity.

Can't lose either way. Sounds like a much better investment of my time and energy than endlessly swiping left and right and replying to messages.

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That said, I'm curious.

Do you follow any female influencers or content creators?
What makes you keep following them?
Is it their looks, personality, knowledge, lifestyle, humour... or something else?

Feel free to share some examples. I'm looking for inspiration while building my own personal brand, and I'm curious what qualities make someone worth following in the long run.

Why I Said Yes or No to Men

Ralna — Tue, 09 Jun 2026 01:54:20 +0800

Starting this thread to answer a question Takudan asked me in April, after I discussed the men who pursued me:

QUOTE(Takudan @ Apr 22 2026, 02:33 AM)

In your posts so far, you've described every man "successful/high quality" based on their career/business success, and you wonder why you didn't say yes? I'm sure you noticed other traits, like maybe they weren't carrying the conversation well, maybe you didn't feel seen/understood... Isn't it worth mentioning that too?
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I finally have the mood and bandwidth to write about some of the men who have pursued me over the years.

After some reflection, I realised I had subconsciously built what I call an "Admirer Classification System" (ACS) to filter and evaluate potential admirers. Before anyone asks, this is simply my personal framework based on my own experiences. Different women evaluate men differently, so this is not meant to be universal.

I'm a highly intuitive and kinesthetic woman. I experience the world largely through observation, sensory acuity, pattern recognition, and intuition. Much of my assessment happens subconsciously through my interactions and experiences with men.

Over time, I noticed that the men who entered my life tended to fall into three broad zones and seven categories:

Predator | Evaluator | Opportunist | Unsuitable| Compatible | Click | Match

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🔴 Red Zone

Predator = Seeks to take. Pushes boundaries, manipulates, pressures, or pursues primarily for self-interest.

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Evaluator = Seeks to assess. Constantly judging, comparing, screening, or measuring whether I meet his criteria.

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Opportunist = Seeks to benefit. Investment and interest fluctuate depending on convenience, circumstances, or personal gain.

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⚪ Neutral Zone

Unsuitable = Not necessarily a bad man. Simply not a suitable fit for me personally.

The reasons vary greatly:
- No physical attraction
- Different values or life goals
- No intellectual connection
- Poor attitude or bad manners
- Something simply feels off

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🟢 Green Zone

Compatible = There is potential. Shared values, mutual respect, reasonable attraction, and a sense of comfort.

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Click = Conversation flows naturally. We enjoy each other's company. There is chemistry, curiosity, and mutual understanding.

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Match = The rare combination of compatibility, connection, attraction, timing, character, and shared direction. Potential life-partner material.

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Overall, this is how I experience and evaluate potential admirers based on trust, character, compatibility, and connection.

Of course, I can usually tell when a man is trying to present a polished version of himself rather than his authentic self. Something just feels off, and he will often end up in the Unsuitable category, even when I don't know much about him yet. I trust my intuition.

My advice is simple: approach women as a decent and sincere man. Don't try to impress, perform, or become someone you think she wants. The right woman is not looking for a perfect man. She is looking for a man she can trust, respect, enjoy being around, and potentially build a future with.

Personally, I like it when men are naturally relaxed around me, and I feel most comfortable that way too. The few men I have clicked or matched with were able to tease, joke, play, and laugh with me. We could also share our flaws and difficult times without fear of being judged. There was no need to pretend or perform. We simply accepted each other as we were. It's a comfortable and reassuring feeling, and one that I value deeply.

There are times when I wish the circumstances had been different and the timing had been better for us, but I also remind myself not to keep looking backwards, and not to live in memories or possibilities anymore.

Perhaps one day, I will meet the man with whom everything finally aligns. I do not know who he is, but I will continue to wait faithfully and prepare myself for the day our paths cross. ❤️

Men Over 50 Falling in Love Again

Ralna — Sun, 24 May 2026 22:48:01 +0800

I find myself caught in another unexpected plot twist again.

So, a month ago in April 2026, I wrote this in another thread:

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QUOTE(Ralna @ Apr 18 2026, 11:49 PM)

Something interesting happened tonight (Sat night). I went to an event and arrived early, around 7 pm, so I sat alone at a table with a piece of cake while waiting for it to begin. I was quietly enjoying the moment when an older man approached me with a warm smile and said he loved cake too. That simple comment turned into a conversation about desserts. He then introduced himself using his first name, asked for my name, shook my hand, sat down, and continued chatting.

The conversation flowed naturally from there. He asked for my phone number and then started sharing what he’s currently working on. When I asked what inspired him to write the book, he opened up more deeply and began sharing his life story. He spoke about his career, the ups and downs he had gone through, and a particularly difficult period when he almost went bankrupt before managing to turn things around.

He was formerly a dato who had spent decades in property development before retiring. So yes, his stories revolved around construction, investment, and banking. He had run businesses as both a CEO and a shareholder. His experiences were quite uncommon, and I found myself genuinely interested, responding with natural curiosity and engagement as he spoke.

We ended up chatting for about 45 minutes, until the event started at 8 pm. Then, at 9:42 pm, after the event ended, he messaged me saying it was nice chatting with me. I replied warmly, saying I’d attend his book launch, and he responded with a love emoji.

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Okay, I don’t know what will happen in the future, but this isn’t the first time older men have noticed me and tried to chat me up. I’m wondering what draws them to me.

I suppose it’s the way I carry myself. Like tonight, I was quiet and feminine, wearing a navy blue dress with long straight hair, just enjoying my cake alone in the crowd.

Hmm... Come to think of it, my best friend and guys always enjoy watching me eat cake. I cut it into small pieces with my fork and savour them slowly, one by one, smiling the whole time. They say I look so happy, and they just sit there watching me.

Maybe that’s attractive to men.
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An update on what happened recently:

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A month later, in May, he messaged me again to remind me to attend his event. I missed the message and only replied days later, one day before the event. After that, he replied within about a minute to every message. His tone stayed warm and playful, with plenty of emojis.

Then came the event day. I registered at the counter and bought a copy of his book. He was elsewhere, busy talking to and greeting guests. I thought I shouldn't interrupt him, and I felt a little awkward standing there since I didn't know anyone.

So before the event started, I was already seated in the audience, quietly reading his book. He was at the main entrance greeting guests. Then about ten minutes later, he walked over to where I was sitting, called my name, and I looked up and stood up. He shook my hand and said he noticed me in my pink dress the moment I stepped in...

I smiled and congratulated him on the book launch.

*

During the event, I found out that he had invited different circles from his communities, but I belonged to neither. When people asked me how I had been invited, I was like... uh... (private invite?? I didn't really know how to explain it, so I used another way. 😅)

Then I noticed something interesting. At one point, he mentioned to the audience he was divorced. Then throughout his public sharing, another three times, he said he had married the wrong woman and that his relationship had been a failure. His biz friend then joked that he should get a new woman again and the audience laughed.

*

Towards the end of the event, when he was signing my book, he asked for my name again. So I said, "(my first name)." Then he immediately mentioned our first meeting again and said something like, "A month ago we chatted..." while smiling and signing the book.

I left shortly after because I had another event to attend.

*

Later that evening, I messaged him again to congratulate him and told him I enjoyed the event. I mentioned a few reasons why I found value in it and thanked him for inviting me. He replied within 3 minutes, and seemed happy that I found value in the event.

I encouraged him to keep moving forward. Then I said, "Keep in touch and have a great week ahead." He replied with a love emoji again and said yes with a thumbs up.

Now I find myself feeling puzzled...

I'm wondering whether he's simply being friendly or if it's like what my guy friend said, that this dato guy actually has some interest in me.
My male friend said middle-aged men approach women very differently from younger men, much more patiently, maturely, and intentionally.
He told me to be a bit more, uh, prepared for what might be coming because he doesn't think this dato guy would give up just like that...

Then my friend suddenly teased me: "Consider la... dato wor... successful, luxury cars, bungalow... Who knows one day become datin leh..." 😏
Me: Yeah but... ??

Gosh. Urgh. This is like the third time a middle-aged man (50+) has become fond of me and either confessed his feelings or made a move...
I also dunno how to navigate this tactfully. I mean, feelings are feelings, but reality is... ??

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Sometimes I really don't understand men la. Like... Why?
Our age gap is so huge (20–30 years)... haih.

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I'm trying to understand the psychology of older men here.
I just can't brain this because I'm not male. 😅

Some questions keep popping into my head:

1. What usually attracts older men to younger women in the first place? Is it mainly looks, femininity, energy, personality, companionship, emotional peace, or something else?

2. Do older men approach women differently compared to younger men? More patient, more intentional, less emotionally intense, or just different in other ways?

3. At that stage of life, are they usually seeking romance, companionship, emotional warmth, peace, or simply enjoying someone's company?

4. How much does age actually matter from a male perspective? Do men think about practical things like age gaps early on, or only later?

5. When older men become fond of someone, how can you tell the difference between simple warmth/friendliness and actual romantic interest?

Please explain it to me in a way that a female brain can understand, and help me understand why older men may think and behave this way.

Let's Partyyyyy!

Ralna — Sat, 23 May 2026 18:51:18 +0800

I drink, I dance, and I go to clubs.

Third ≡ Party Live at Zouk, Singapore 2025

[YOUTUBE]sVZ9iXAdqaY[/YOUTUBE]

My Relationship Reflections

Ralna — Sat, 23 May 2026 07:41:19 +0800

Writing this at 5 a.m. because I've been feeling quite confused. I'm trying to sort out my feelings.

TL;DR:

After two painful relationship experiences, I was slowly trying to rebuild myself again. I started focusing on my health, appearance, business, and getting back on my feet. During that process, I unexpectedly met an engineer who made me start thinking seriously again about marriage, children, and a future I had mentally suspended for years.

Our connection felt natural and comfortable. But while I was slowly developing emotional clarity, he was already evaluating long-term compatibility seriously. His questions about family time, future direction, relocation, and lifestyle made me suddenly realise something I had never deeply processed before: marriage and motherhood in another country could completely reshape my current life.

Before I fully caught up emotionally, he suddenly ended things because he felt we might not be aligned in our future direction.

And then, unexpectedly, another man reappeared and has been patiently staying around while my warmth, laughter, and hope slowly return.

So now I'm sitting here feeling confused and grieving because I think I'm mourning not just a person, but also the future story I had already started imagining.

I'm trying to understand my feelings before making any decisions.

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The full story:

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Then something happened that I never expected.

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I just need a place to let this out. I’ll heal in my own time.

No replies needed for now. I’ll reopen the thread when I’m ready to reply or share further reflections.

Future Planning for International Marriage

Ralna — Wed, 13 May 2026 09:54:05 +0800

I'm looking for input on the realities, practicalities and logistics of an international marriage.

Some entertaining background story:
(feel free to skip, it’s a bit dramatised haha)

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Ok serious questions to help me process better.

Although I don’t really know if we’ll ever get to that marriage stage (my previous broken engagement made me a bit more cautious about these things),
I think I should start thinking about what might realistically happen if we actually do get married.

That means:
- selling/renting out my apartment?
- leaving my current life in Malaysia?
- adapting to a completely different culture and weather?
- possibly pausing my career for a while if we have children?
- rebuilding my social circle from zero?

How difficult was relocation emotionally and mentally?
Is it realistic to maintain your own career after moving overseas?

I think my brain is only starting to catch up now because everything escalated emotionally so fast.
My brain is still buffering like Windows XP running on 1GB RAM.

No wonder he kept asking questions like:
“How much time do you allocate for family?”
“What kind of life do you want?”
“Have you thought of leaving Malaysia?”
“Do you like travelling?”
“How do you see yourself in five years?”

At that time I thought we were just having casual conversations...

Apparently bro had already opened “Potential Wife Candidate Evaluation Framework v2.3”
and managing relationship like an E&E engineering project. XD

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So yeah, feel free to share your input on the realities, practicalities and logistics of an international marriage, which includes things like relocation, lifestyle adjustment, career continuity, emotional adaptation, family integration, children, long-term compatibility, and rebuilding life overseas (UK/EU or somewhere far from Malaysia). ^^

Becoming A Wife and A Mother

Ralna — Mon, 04 May 2026 19:03:05 +0800

I’ve been in a good mood again recently after my last reflection. Also… hehe… it caught the attention of an accomplished E&E engineer , so now we’re getting to know each other. We’ve been chatting daily with video call for almost two weeks now. He’s a gentleman. I like how we interact, and I like him as a person. Both of us want marriage and family, but we haven't decided to start anything yet; still early stage.

Recently, I'm thinking that I might be a bit… erm, too playful for him. I’ve been showing him photos of my lifestyle.

My life is full of fun, and I intentionally choose to live this way. ↓↓

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Okay, back to the story. He asked me how I allocate my time per day and week, so I actually quantified it for him. 😆

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Then he said I spent 67% of time for myself
work 25%
chat 10% - with friends and family

(me: erm... first time an engineer analyses my time like this…)

He said he would spend at least 25% of his time for family.

I told him that since I’m currently single and living alone, I haven’t really allocated much time to family.
He said there’s no right or wrong, just a matter of choice. Then he added that every choice comes with a price.

Today, I reflected on what he said and suddenly realised…
yahor, if I get married and become a wife and mother, my whole lifestyle will have to change. 😲😲😲

Suddenly I just felt like, oh sh*t… am I ready for that??!!

OMG this is mind-blowing for me. Now I finally understand what he is asking me.

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So I'm opening this thread to ask these questions:

What changes usually happen in real life when:
- a woman gets married?
- she has her first child?
- she has more children?

& What expectations does a husband usually have on his wife?

I haven’t really thought deeply about these before because I’ve been single for so long, and my plans for marriage and family have been suspended for many years. ChatGPT and online articles can offer some answers, but I’d also like to hear more perspectives beyond the generic ones.

So, please share your experiences as a spouse or a parent.

Terima kasih banyak-banyak. ❤️❤️❤️

Ideal Women in Their 30s and 40s

Ralna — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 00:49:07 +0800

After I decide to focus on my physique and business, I start planning my fitness routine and meet my biz friends to discuss some collaboration.

Although I am still a bit sad over my past two relationships, I tell myself to get back on my feet again. Honestly, I haven’t done much work in the past two months. I tell myself I can’t go on like this la… I should keep myself looking good and presentable, and not let myself become so discouraged and run down. 要把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮的，不要这么颓废。

Then I look at my photos and realise I can aim to be like those Korean actresses in their 40s: still beautiful, in good shape, feminine, successful, healthy…

I then recall how the younger me used to attract much attention, starting at the age of 17.

Here are some funny incidents that happened in real life:

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Then I ask myself, where is that version of me?
It feels long gone because I have been so… down.

Anyway, my purpose of starting this thread is to get inspiration from men and motivate myself.
I'm also quite curious what guys actually like these days.

So, what kind of women do you like?
I mean in terms of appearance (face, body, hair) and fashion, especially Asian women in their mid-thirties to early forties.

Feel free to share some photos here for my reference. It can be your 心目中的女神 (dream woman), models, actresses, etc. Any women you really like. You can also add some explanation about what you like about them.

Electronic Dance Music

Ralna — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 23:46:48 +0800

I love EDMs, including house, trance, techno, and dubstep.

Love listening to 'em when I speed on the road or go clubbing.

Epic Songs & Music 史诗歌曲

Ralna — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 23:12:40 +0800

I grew up listening to epic music and songs. Sharing my favourites here.

Exploring the Human Soul

Ralna — Tue, 07 Apr 2026 00:16:51 +0800

If I could describe myself, I would say I am a woman trying to understand what it means to be human and what my life is for after experiencing love, loss, suffering, and a brush with death.

This collection is not a guide written by someone who has all the answers. It is the journal of someone who keeps asking questions.

I have different albums on FB that record my journey and writing since 2018, when I first began my inner work during a period of life and identity crisis. It’s been eight years now, and I thought I’d share some of the pieces I really like from across these albums:

• Personal Growth
• Self-Mastery
• Self-Actualisation
• Exploring the Human Soul
• Love & Romance
• Religion, Philosophy & Ethics
• Life as a Christian
• Lightworker
• Deep Thoughts
• In Search of God
• Rising Sun

Often, I write while listening to meditative music. One constant has been the album Mind Temple by Tenno, which I listen to almost daily or weekly since Oct 2022. My favourite tracks keep me calm during moments of anxiety, restlessness, and sadness.

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Those FB albums are now mostly private (they were open for a period for my friends to read if they happened to come across them or were interested), but it feels like a waste to let them sit there. Good pieces should be shared more widely so others can benefit from my introspective writing.

Perhaps some may find solace, comfort, and a sense of shared understanding as we journey through life. Matters of the soul are as vast and deep as the universe, and I feel blessed to have captured fragments of it in reflection.

Digital Product Creators

Ralna — Wed, 18 Mar 2026 23:08:57 +0800

Anyone here working as a digital product creator -- either freelance or running your own business?

I’m into this space and would love to connect with others who are on a similar path.

I mainly create educational materials and artistic designs.

Curious to hear what you’re creating and how your journey has been so far.

From Corporate Jobs to Self-Employment

Ralna — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 02:55:14 +0800

For several reasons, my past five full-time jobs never went well, mostly due to people problems. Here’s what happened:

1. Hospitality company
The company practised micromanagement, which resulted in 50% staff turnover within six months. The US HQ eventually investigated and dismissed middle management at the Singapore regional HQ, including the Singaporean director (a middle-aged lady who screamed in the office) and a new manager who couldn't solve problems well. They also transferred one micromanaging team leader to another department. Another micromanaging team leader resigned before HQ took action. By that time, several of us were already physically affected by the stress. I resigned together with a few colleagues.

2. Academic institution
This institution changed 20–30 lecturers every year to save hiring costs. The lowest lecturer salary was RM1,800–2,500 for fresh master's graduates. Mine was RM3,200 instead of RM4,500 at the time, but I negotiated for other perks. When those promises couldn’t be fulfilled, I resigned after a year.

3. Tech startup
This startup eventually shut down after spending RM2 million developing software that never launched. They hired eight IT staff (a project manager and programmers) to build a complex 3-in-1 software system. In reality, just one function alone would have required 200+ programmers to build properly. The boss was a top MLM sales leader and thought the IT team had a “mindset limitation” because they kept saying the project was not possible or couldn't be delivered within the timeframe he wanted. It was also a husband-and-wife company. The wife was emotionally unstable and would scream at employees. The husband didn't like employees talking behind their backs, so he planned to install CCTV cameras with microphones in the office. Eventually, everyone just communicated through WhatsApp or talked outside during lunch. The company went from 20 employees down to two, then shut down.

4. Tech company
I was dismissed without any documentation. No domestic inquiry, no letters, nothing. I was simply asked to pack up and leave. It was due to internal politics, with the boss siding with a personal friend he had hired, and she happened to be the top salesperson. It was, unfortunately, another husband-and-wife company. Both believed their friend and misunderstood me. I then filed a case with the Industrial Relations Office and later the Industrial Court. After about a year, I received compensation.

5. Listed company
Despite being listed, the company was basically a Chinaman SME in disguise. Very relationship-heavy, optics-heavy, founder-focused, with hiring largely based on friendships. My direct superior hired her former subordinate from another company. When that person started picking on me, my superior sided with her instead. Favouritism and bias, again, so I resigned.

*

The above are just short summaries. The full situations were far more complex, involving difficult workplace dynamics and times where I had to stand up for myself and colleagues. Haih.

Because of these experiences, I took four career breaks, each about 1–1.5 years. During those periods I reflected, travelled, started three businesses to test markets, took on projects, and also did part-time work. Some companies and business friends also helped or supported my biz in different ways.

Now I'm on my fifth career break, after resigning in early 2026. Before resigning, I consulted an astrologer and also studied my BaZi chart.

Apart from my own low tolerance for office politics, I just couldn’t understand why my corporate jobs were never smooth. I then learned about these two wealth charts:

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My BaZi says I have an indirect wealth chart, with strong Fire and strong Wood.

Symbolically:
Wood = growth, ideas, learning, vision, expansion
Fire = expression, visibility, influence, communication

Many Wood–Fire dominant charts struggle with bureaucratic organisations, micromanagement, and political environments because these suppress their natural energy.

Corporate environments often reward Metal energy -- rules, hierarchy, compliance, and structure.

& Without me telling the astrologer anything about my career history and BaZi, he said I was not really suited for corporate work. My Western and Vedic astrology also pointed towards business, education, consultancy, and spiritual-related work.

I do believe in these systems, so I resigned with peace of mind this year.

And interestingly, after that, new doors started opening. Some companies reached out to me about biz collaborations.

*

You know, for a long time I felt like a failure because I couldn't fit well into corporate jobs. But looking back now, maybe those experiences were actually a blessing in disguise. Those difficult companies and situations pushed me to look for alternative ways of earning money. They forced me to learn business skills faster, leverage resources, come up with my own products and services that meet market demands, and think bigger and further beyond geographical borders. I didn't know what I was capable of achieving until I was repeatedly pushed out of my corporate comfort zone.

So now I’m curious.

If you’ve had bad job experiences that eventually pushed you into self-employment or a different path, what happened?

How did you cope, and how did you eventually find your new direction?

I would really like to hear your story. Sometimes it helps for us to know that full-time employment isn’t the only way to build a career or earn a living.

Analytical vs Artistic Men

Ralna — Thu, 26 Feb 2026 22:12:06 +0800

Today, a visual artist pursued me. He draws and paints on canvas and sells his work to collectors for a living. That’s interesting. I never knew I’d attract men from the other end of the spectrum.

Analytical, structured, logic-driven men <--------------------> creative, expressive, aesthetic-driven men.

Quite a spectrum to explore.

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I wonder how many guys here are creative and artistic. Probably not many, since this is more of a tech forum.

But… in your free time, do you explore art or anything creative?

Would you want to be a househusband?

Ralna — Sun, 11 Jan 2026 17:08:25 +0800

I’ve been reflecting on something lately and I’m genuinely curious to hear what men think.

If given the choice, would you want to be a househusband?

Imagine this scenario. Your wife earns significantly more and is happy to be the main breadwinner.

In return, you:
- take care of the kids
- wake up early to prepare breakfast and send them to school
- manage household chores (cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc.)
- have the freedom to earn some pocket money through your hobbies or passion projects, if you wish
- still enjoy personal time, whether that’s gaming, going to the gym, or hanging out with friends

Your wife respects and appreciates your role in managing the household and doesn’t look down on you for earning less. She believes that having a father who is consistently present in the children’s lives is important.

She also works from home and co-parents actively, but prefers to focus most of her energy on building financial security for the family.

Would this kind of lifestyle appeal to you? Why or why not?

Would you date older women?

Ralna — Sun, 05 Oct 2025 11:02:52 +0800

After I announced I was single again in Sept 2024, about ten men pursued me in the months that followed. And this was without even touching dating apps.

What puzzled me, though, was that 4 of them were younger than me. Like… why? I was 35 then. I’ve always liked older men, so dating younger guys felt unfamiliar and a bit baffling.

Being myself, I made it difficult for those younger men—partly because I wasn’t confident in dating younger men, and partly because I was still healing from my breakup and emotionally tangled with the analyst guy back then.

I remembered a guy friend who once told me in 2023 that he didn’t like “xiao mei mei” (girls younger than him). He preferred older women and always pursued them. In fact, he married a woman four years his senior; she was 39 and he was 35.

*

Last month, out of curiosity, I asked some younger male friends, and they said they didn’t mind dating women 1–5 years older. They like the stability, care, and guidance that older women bring. It makes them feel safe, nurtured, and able to manja a little. Financially, older women tend to be more stable. The relationship works more like a balanced partnership, rather than the usual older-bf-younger-gf dynamic—which often comes with more drama and burden. To them, slightly older women are like “jie jie” (elder sister) they can trust and confide in.

They also said women in their twenties can feel needy, insecure, and high-maintenance with “princess syndrome”. Younger women are fun for sex, but draining for a relationship. Women in their thirties, on the other hand, are stable, mature, loyal, and serious.

Interesting perspective, right? Many unmarried women in their thirties are judged harshly as 剩女 (leftovers), but younger men apparently don’t see them this way.

I’m sharing this to hear more input; just trying to understand what younger men think and whether I should open myself to that possibility.... and maybe also give some hope to other older women.

Men Pursue Women vs. Women Pursue Men

Ralna — Thu, 27 Feb 2025 00:00:49 +0800

Had a random thought again. My ex and admirers previously told me how some girls pursued and seduced them. They accepted some, but didn’t like others.

What I noticed was that their feelings for the women who pursued them weren’t as deep as when they pursued women (in this case, me).

So, I asked them why.

My ex said he was a gentleman, so he just accepted girls he felt were okay.

The analyst guy said he accepted out of curiosity but didn’t take things further.

The finance guy said it was for fun, and he didn’t have any intentions of getting serious with them.

*

It makes me think...

While most men claim that they'd love to be desired and pursued by women, but...

If a woman pursues a man only to receive his partial affection or half-hearted/zero commitment, then why should she pursue him unless she doesn’t mind?

In my case, all three of them pursued me and were quite serious and persistent, so I tend to think that maybe...
In general, it’s better for men to initiate the pursuit, and women can give the greenlight afterward.

What do you guys think?

How to Compliment A Man

Ralna — Sun, 05 Jan 2025 14:02:08 +0800

I have a random thought and want to ask for some advice or opinions.

I’m aware that men often don’t receive enough compliments.

As a woman, I do notice the fine qualities or good deeds some men do, but how can I compliment them without giving the wrong impression?

It’s purely out of appreciation and acknowledgment, not romantic affection.

*

Some examples of compliments I give men:

"Your hairstyle looks great on you. It suits your face shape and body. Where did you get your hair cut?"

"You seem to be a responsible, hardworking, and kind man. I’m sure there are women who appreciate these qualities in you."

However, I’m not sure if there are better ways to word my compliments, or if the way I word them is already good enough. 🤔

*

Maybe you (men) could offer some input on the kinds of compliments you’d like to hear from women.

I think it could encourage female friends, or girlfriends/wives, to compliment men more.

Are You Open to Marriage First, Romance Later?

Ralna — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 01:49:03 +0800

I’ve been reflecting on relationships and the traditional paths we often follow when it comes to love and commitment. As I navigate the dating scene again, I’m curious to hear your thoughts on an unconventional approach: what if we prioritized marriage first and then allowed romance to develop afterward?

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

In a world where casual dating and fleeting connections seem to be the norm, I believe there’s something beautifully profound about building a foundation of commitment and partnership before diving into the romantic aspects of a relationship. Here are a few reasons why I find this perspective intriguing:

• Shared Values - By focusing on marriage first, we can ensure that we share the same life goals, values, and visions for the future. This alignment can lead to a more stable and fulfilling relationship.

• Intentionality - Entering a marriage with the intention to build a life together can foster a deeper sense of responsibility and dedication. It shifts the focus from simply enjoying the moment to nurturing a long-lasting partnership.

• Emotional Security - Establishing a committed relationship first can create a safe space for both partners to explore their feelings and develop emotional intimacy at a comfortable pace.

• Less Pressure on Romance - With the commitment in place, we can enjoy the journey of getting to know each other without the pressure of trying to impress or “win” one another over in the romantic sense. We can focus on building a strong friendship and partnership.

• Collaborative Growth - In a marriage-first approach, both partners can support each other in their personal growth, understanding that they are working toward a shared life, which can enhance the romantic connection as the relationship matures.

What are your thoughts on this approach?

Why Dating is Hard for Guys

Ralna — Wed, 02 Oct 2024 17:04:24 +0800

TL;DR -- Ordinary guys can offer more benefits in relationship than Top guys do.

Heads up: This is a long thread and will take you 3-5 minutes to read... and probably get mind-blown by my new perspectives. hehe

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Last week, I came across this image on Facebook. I thought it was kinda true, and read all the FB comments-- mostly from men who feel

When I was younger in my twenties, I also aimed for the top 10% men. I worked hard to attract such men because I wanted to 'marry up', which was common for Chinese women and supported by Chinese parents. Those who knew me in my earlier years would know that I wrote about "How to Marry A Rich Man".

That sparked quite a debate, and now, after almost 8 years... I have a different opinion. I wanna tell the other side of the story.

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Back then, I did successfully attract several rich and highly successful men. Among them, I dated my ex-fiancé and now a new guy.

Ex was financially well-off at the C-level of MNCs, while the new guy was also internationally known in his field. Both of them were highly educated with master's, 185 cm tall, good-looking and well-built. Both pursued me first and messaged me non-stop... to ask what I was doing, how I was feeling, if I liked them, if I missed them, etc...

However, what I didn't know was... what romance novels and K-dramas showed were not real...

Seriously, girls, don't fantasise too much. I'll tell you why in the following paragraphs and burst some pink bubbles. LOL

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

*

Some personal stories here about what I feel around top 10% guys:

(can skip if too long to read-- not the main points for this topic; just some background stories of why I formed different perceptions about them)

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

As an ex-fiancé/girlfriend, there were many nights that I missed their presence, because work would always be their #1 priority.

This meant being flexible with our dating plans, which I was... but I did get upset when things kept getting cancelled frequently to accommodate their busy schedules, and promises weren't fulfilled.

When my ex forgot our important occasions despite several reminders, such as my birthdays, our anniversaries, our family gatherings, I felt totally unimportant and neglected to the point that I hated my ex's high-flying career...

... because his career took away what was most precious to me: Him.

My friends and family would always ask me, "Where's he? Why is he not here? Missing again?" and they rolled their eyes. I felt so dejected. I knew he had exams, was outstation, on international travel etc, but still, understanding doesn't mean accepting. The emotional impact and absence was still strongly felt in real life, because he mattered much to me. We quarreled over this matter several times, and came to the mutual agreement that he would make things up if he FFK (cancelled plans last-minute).

*

Last month, a guy from my undergraduate years appeared, pursued me, and kept initiating dates but kept cancelling. It just triggered me so much that I had an outburst after several FFKs. I told him that whenever he promised to date/come, I would take the time to prepare myself (skin care, choose a dress) and tidy/clean my place, and I felt let down when he couldn't make it.

It was after a month (now, early Oct) that I found out his schedule was really packed as a leading expert in his field + doing his postgraduate studies at the same time. He frequently appeared in TV interviews and regularly produced articles that were published in news media. All these work and study tasks took a lot of his time, focus and energy.

This mangkuk... he should have told me earlier, but he was probably too used to his hectic lifestyle + never had a gf before. We're now on good terms again after some communication. I told him I'd be more understanding of him.

Yup, there are high-flying men who pursue their career to the point that they choose to stay single and/or celibate for yearssssss until they find the right women. According to them, they just don't want dramas in their lives until they're ready to date and settle down. This is another thing that women should know about.

*

Back to the topic, I do think top level men pursue their ambition and achievement with laser focus, so much so until things could get out of balance sometimes; also because they have KPIs to meet-- the higher they climb, the more responsibilities they're given, and the more expectations they need to meet from their employers, biz partners, other stakeholders, etc.

Biologically, the male brain is designed to be goal-driven, highly linear and focused, and men just cannot multitask well and juggle so many things at any one time. When their work mode is turned on, they can't think much about romance. These two domains do not merge nor interact well with each other.

As a woman behind a successful man, it can feel lonely sometimes especially when he disappears for several days up to 1 week, or two weeks with minimal communication and no paktor time, so that he can focus on his work.

Personally, I cope with his absence and the loneliness by keeping myself occupied with biz stuff, beauty treatments, sports and activities with my friends. I learned to give 20% of my time to my man, and keep the 80% to myself and other people. It is only when he is ready to be fully focused on me that I give him total attention and affection, and this usually happens when we are on vacation or weekend getaways-- which is like, every few weeks or months...

Perhaps, things might be slightly easier if we're married and living together, but I doubt so because... I would probably feel like a married 'single mom' who has to take care of everything when husband is always away for work and comes home just to sleep. This is another type of reality to face in married life.

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

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I did some reading, and concluded the following on why women should really try dating ordinary guys instead of just aiming for the top 10% guys.

These are the benefits in dating ordinary guys-- which is good news to men and women:

1. More Emotional Availability, More Focus on Relationship
Ordinary guys might have more time and energy to invest in a relationship. They tend to lead less hectic lifestyles, making them more emotionally available and attentive to your needs. With fewer distractions like high-stress careers or constant travel, ordinary guys may prioritize their relationships and give more time and attention to building a strong connection.

2. Less Ego, Less Pressure, Less Societal Expectations
Ordinary guys often feel less societal pressure to maintain a certain status. They might not move in high-status or competitive social circles, reducing the pressure to constantly keep up with a fast-paced, high-profile lifestyle. This can make them more down-to-earth, approachable, and authentic in their interactions, without the ego-driven challenges that can sometimes come with top-level men. Relationships with ordinary guys also often come with less public attention, meaning fewer expectations from society and less scrutiny from friends or colleagues. This can allow you to focus on the relationship itself, rather than outside perceptions.

3. Relatable Life Experiences
Ordinary guys often share experiences that might align more closely with your own, making it easier to relate to them on an everyday level. This can create a more grounded relationship where both partners feel equal.

4. Greater Stability
Depending on their job or lifestyle, ordinary guys may offer more stability and consistency in their daily lives. You may not have to deal with the unpredictability of frequent business trips or work commitments that often come with top-level guys. This can create a more relaxed, private, and intimate relationship.

5. Shared Growth
Ordinary guys might still be working on building their own careers and futures, which can lead to shared growth within the relationship. You can both build together and celebrate each other's successes without feeling overshadowed by their status.

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In comparison, these are the downsides of dating top 10% men:

1. Lack of time and emotional availability
Highly successful men are usually extremely driven, which can be inspiring and motivating for some. However, their ambition can sometimes come at the expense of time and emotional availability. Due to demanding careers, top-level men may be less available for emotional connection or quality time. They might travel frequently, have long work hours, or prioritize work over personal life, which can impact the relationship.

2. High Status, High Pressure, High Societal Expectations
Being with a top-level guy often means socializing in high-status circles, which can open doors to new connections. On the flip side, this may also come with more pressure to maintain appearances and keep up with an intense lifestyle. A relationship with a top-level man might attract more attention from the media, social circles, or the public, leading to more external pressure and less privacy.

3. Ego and Power Dynamics
Dating a highly successful man can sometimes involve navigating strong egos, power dynamics, or competitiveness, which may create an imbalance in the relationship. It can also lead to feelings of insecurity or a lack of equality, especially if the woman is ordinary and pale in comparison with her man. In the long run, the gaps between both partners may become bigger, which may result in contrasting differences that lead to relationship failures.

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To sum up...

1) I always feel ordinary men have lots of potential, provided that they are not wounded/not messed up + are emotionally available to love a woman + willing to balance work, life and relationship + have some growth mindset and open-mindedness...

Such men are more balanced instead of being at the extreme ends of the spectrum, i.e. overly successful or overly defeated. If I could advise my younger self, it would be to not be too fixated on a certain type of man, and learn to see ordinary men and appreciate their fine inner qualities... and give them a chance to win my heart if they'd like to date me further.

2) Also, I think, as women, we really need to stop fantasising about those top guys as some super romantic lengzai CEOs who have plenty of time and affection (because in real life, they don't ) and stop getting hooked to those really bad bad boys whom we think we can 'save and fix'-- because we can't unless they want.

Romance novels and dramas ain't 100% true in real life--- mostly illusions of top guys and bad bad boys. Can these men be good bfs and husbands? Of course, they can... but maybe not to you, especially if they aren't the ones pursuing you. Ever heard of the saying "A woman can't change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her"? This is true. Men listen to and want to please the apples of their eyes, not some easy flings who flung themselves to men.

3) Ah, nice. I finally shared what I felt should do most men some justice.

So ya, guys... the next time if a girl rejects you because she thinks you ain't that successful nor in the top 10% yet, please tell her what Ralna (spelled as: R-A-L-N-A) says here and continue to 'market and upsell' your good points as an ordinary man.

If you don't know how to pursue a girl, please refer to my other guides:
How to Dress Like A Lengzai... and attract more girls to look at you
This is how I would pursue women... if I were a man

Look at the time and effort I spent to write these threads and help more single men... I'm doing social service to the country and providing some relationship edutainment when I feel bored without men but still get inspired by their absence. Solitude can be good for women, too.