Unsure of what I should do

KayRyn — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 01:28:54 +0800

As I am typing the first line for this thread, I have no idea if I want to put this up for discussion by people that do not know anything about our relationship.

But then again, who in this world would know about us better than us. Not even our family and friends.

I am supposed to go to bed, but my mind is telling me to just fuck things up and not be a goodytwoshoes anymore.

Four years into the relationship I am always told that I am a worthless piece of shit. I always thought that I am doing whatever I can to make things work be it spending as much as quality time with him, being the one that gives in 99% of the time in fights, trying hard to understand the nature of his job although I find it challenging to cope sometimes and trying to be less mean and more considerate towards him although I am just this clumsy and headless piece of shit that does things out of reflex at times.

But it seems like I am never enough. I do not contribute to the relationship in anyway, according to him. To the point that I don't think I understand what does "contributing to our relationship" mean anymore.

I am facing a pretty new challenge now (which I have knowledge of since the beginning of the relationship and is something that I chose to commit) that he is going to be outstation most of the time, with the length of stay of anywhere between 2 to 4 weeks.

We are still adapting to this new routine. Despite having gone through a really rough patch in our 3rd year into the relationship, we have been going strong and good, until recently, fights are happening more frequently than they used to be. He would get sensitive and get mad at things that I said to him e.g jokingly saying/teasing him that he did not spend much time with me/abandoned me and my feelings during his peak period. So as a response I would usually just acknowledge that he is hurt and would listen to his suggestions on ways to improve. I would say I have been trying to be as genuine as possible at admitting my mistakes and when telling him that I would try to improve in my choice of words when talking to him.

But things didn't usually just end there, he would continue to bash me with my mistakes probably for another 10 minutes in the conversation, which led me to feeling frustrated and throwing nonsense at him and that is also when I would stop being rational and start being an annoying bitch who says anything nasty to win a fight.

And more than half the time, I would let go of things and be the one who pujuk first (which is extremely hard work man). Things would get all good again, and the cycle would repeat itself probably until the day when one of us die.

Tonight is one of the nights when a phone conversation got turned into a fight.

And it is sort of a near-breaking point for me today. I am not sure who is the problem now and am not even sure if there is a need to identify the root cause of this problem. I think it is important if we both can sit down and talk about how to solve this - which would normally end up as a lecture for me on how to be a good girl and what I should do to be a respectful and considerate piece of shiat.

I have been told, again and again, that I should do something about it. And for the sake of the relationship, I would usually agree to try to be that version of good girl. The next time we fight, this would be a topic for discussion because I swayed away from what we agreed to do and that is the reason why a fight is happening again.

I am tired of trying to be who he thinks I should be. And I feel extremely bad for failing at every attempts to be a better person for him. I just don't know if this will work anymore if I keep agreeing to what he say and if I should keep trying or just let him go so that he can find another person who is better for him.

This is just my side of the story. This is not a story that is presented objectively without bias because I don't give farks about being neutral now. I do admit I can be passive aggressive, reckless, inconsiderate, have low confidence, and unreasonable at times.

I still don't know what I am trying to achieve by posting this up. I am not even sure if this is a problem big enough for a relationship, I don't know how much shits he and I are in. But this is my story, and my mood for tonight.

IPTA Offers

KayRyn — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 00:56:19 +0800

UPU result was out few days ago. I would like to start a thread to have those who got any offers from IPTA to state what course they got and provide some brief info about themselves. So if you are one of them, kindly provide relevant info in the format below:

Course:
IPTA:
Of which choice: ( First to eighth etc)
Pre-U course: STPM/Matrix
CGPA:
Race: M/C/I
Gender: M/F

Notes: those who got double offer please as well fill up those of below:

USM
Course:
Of which choice:

The purpose is to roughly potray the trend on how IPTA givng out the offers. Of course this is just a rough picture of it and serves only as a reference.

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Unsure of what I should do

IPTA Offers