Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by WWJD

You're Not Old Enough

WWJD — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 15:27:21 +0800

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your as*hole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your as*hole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your as*hole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"

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Admiring Midget At The Urinal

WWJD — Mon, 27 May 2013 15:18:02 +0800

A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget.

"Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.

Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."

Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Finally together

WWJD — Mon, 27 May 2013 15:10:06 +0800

Maria got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

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D/S house in Tmn Subang Permai

WWJD — Wed, 01 May 2013 21:55:15 +0800

I'm planning to get a house for own stay. I looked around USJ area and one of the cheapest landed property will be in USJ 1, Taman Subang Permai. I'm thinking of getting a 20X65 which is about RM450 - RM480K for basic unit to slightly renovated.

I went driving around that area and I noticed that quite a few houses put up the banner for sale. I understand that USJ 1 traffic lights near Summit is a jam area.

Is Taman Subang Permai worth the buy or better to look else where? By the way, I would need to go to KL to work.

talking on the cellphone

WWJD — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:03:17 +0800

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric - I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Don't Fcuk Up

WWJD — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 03:00:20 +0800

Morris and his wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problems?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband Morris, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public !"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control !"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy and she might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be her problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public, looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

Morris looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh.That's what he meant. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

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Kids Know Everything

WWJD — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 02:59:06 +0800

A mother sent her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

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Chinese Jews

WWJD — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 02:33:58 +0800

Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are Jews, and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Shanghai.

"Oscar," asked Benjie, "Are there any Jews in China ?"

"I don't know," Oscar replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him, "Are there any Jews here in Shanghai ?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No sir, there are none."

"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.

"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Oscar said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China , our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, we certainly do not have them."

"Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe there are none in China."

"Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.

"We have orange Jews, apple Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of China Jews!

If you want, we have Chinese Tea.

Dirty Old Men

WWJD — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 02:16:08 +0800

Two old men decided that they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference".

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, i think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that"?

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her".

His friend says "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch".

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that"?

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her"!

The Barrel

WWJD — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:57:59 +0800

A bunch of guys are sailing across the ocean. It’s been a few days out at sea and already one guy starts getting horny, so he goes to the captain and asks what he should do. The captain tells him, “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it. We just use that.”

The guy decides that’s a pretty good idea, so he goes over to the barrel and starts humping it. Much to his surprise, he enjoys the act thoroughly, so when he’s done he goes over to his captain. “Man,” he says, “that was exactly what I needed! Is there a limit on how often I can do that?”

The captain replies, “Any time other than Tuesdays.”

The guy asks, “Why not Tuesdays?”

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Black Eyes

WWJD — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:53:24 +0800

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
“What happened, my child?”

“I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”

“Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”

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A bunny's wish

WWJD — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:37:04 +0800

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. “I wish…that all the bears in this forest were female.” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. “I wish…that all the bears in this country to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, “You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!” Then he asked for his last wish. “I wish…that all the bears in this world to be female!” The genie granted the wish.

The bunny just grinned and said,

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Gorilla Problem

WWJD — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:34:44 +0800

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”

“Male,” he replies.

“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”

The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”

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Toothbrush salesmen

WWJD — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 16:03:50 +0800

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.

"This is your secret?" says the first guy.

"Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit o' dip.

"Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!"

"It is shit. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

Little red sports car

WWJD — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 15:48:57 +0800

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

"Sure," said the little boy.

The little boy's mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.

"What happened?!" she said.

"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit....so I cut the back wheels off....."

First time sit plane

WWJD — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 12:44:42 +0800

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Old woman wants to end it all

WWJD — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:07:50 +0800

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

3 kind of p*nises

WWJD — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:05:26 +0800

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of p*nises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

golden rules

WWJD — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 15:56:25 +0800

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.''

She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!''

He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.''

He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.''

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Play mommy & daddy

WWJD — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 15:35:50 +0800

A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk.
"Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy."

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