Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by Barney the Dino

Understanding Her Flaws

Barney the Dino — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 11:12:44 +0800

I recently started a relationship with this girl for a few months and was thinking to myself :'this is someone who is precious to me' and I intend to keep it that way for a long, long time. We have both expressed our commitment and love for one another, knowing that we are dedicated to make this relationship work. However, circumstances are not always favorable. We are now reduced from seeing each other lovingly everyday, to possibly twice a month because we are currently both studying abroad in the UK, with a three-hour train ride separating us. Perhaps the decreased interaction has made me reflect a little on our relationship (or maybe I just worry too much, mind you this is probably my first meaningful relationship with somebody)

Let me start by making it clear that I love her, and I would want to keep it that way. I just want opinions on how to make things better for the both of us with the help of you, relationship experts.

1. Our relationship started off in quite a bizarre-fashion. She had a boyfriend who she was living with, and me, I was just a friend. She was leaning towards me towards the end of her break-up. Well, and I began to grow fond of her. And that was how our relationship started, on the day she broken up with her ex-boyfriend. My friends have told me to "be careful of her", that if she could two-time her ex-boyfriend, that may mean it could possibly happen to me too. She's apologetic and very sorry that I was thrown into a situation where I was then, technically dating somebody who was still attached, and I usually just brush it off as saying :'that is the past, lets focus on our present and the future.'

I know for a fact that I had to be strong into believing that she will continue loving me and such a thing would not happen to us. But am I also wrong to ask myself what if?

2. We are now practicing a two-year long distance relationship where she studies in central UK and me three hours up north. We have talked about this issue several times, and that we have an understanding of trusting each other while not seeing each other as frequent as we would like. We obviously see it (LDR) as a way that could help strengthen our relationship, however she thinks she may not be strong enough and wind up disappointing me. She has expressed emotion and have cried on the phone about how this may be difficult for the both of us.

I have given my assurances and have tried to help her be confident with our relationship, and I know this is going to be harder on her than on me, because I am in a city full of friends that I have previously known, and she is in a city with virtually no one she knows. Which means, I could not always attend to her if a problem arises, for example if she feels homesick, or feeling ill, or dealing with academic stresses, I am not immediately available to her, and she has no one near and dear to her to attend to her problems.

I am just afraid that she will be hurting, and there is very little I could do about it. I can schedule more visits to her place, or she can do the same by visiting me more often, but that will take a toll on our studies, which is not something that I want for both of us.

3. She is impulsive and I realize that. I find it frustrating sometimes that she makes decisions that ends up being a mistake because of her impulse. I cannot be telling her what to do, I am not controlling, so I usually advise her what to do, but when she chooses not to listen, and a problem do eventually arise, we will both have to attend to it, which sometimes I really just want to say 'I told you so.' but I do not want to start unnecessary fights when it can be resolved in a calm and polite manner.

Question is, how? I mean, not to be vain, I do have a decent level of tolerance and patience, but at the same time, I do not want to accumulate these little irritation and just explode one day in front of her. I am looking for a means of trying to ease her impulse without consistently pointing them out, otherwise I would sound like a father trying to discipline his child. I have spoken to her about this problem before, but I cannot be repeating myself time and time again, because if there are still no implications on her, the problem could be just me.

4. She is a binge drinker. She does have the urge to drink almost everyday and this worries me. I do not know if it has the same severity to alcoholism, but her health and well-being is my concern. I have probably no right to tell her I am a good example because I do drink myself, but for social reasons ( which means a beer or two on an average night out). On the other hand, she always has the urge to get drunk and her drunken behavior are usually quite childish (maybe I am a bit harsh?) like losing things and saying non-nonsensical things. In some cases she would vomit, or suffer hangovers the following day and that she has little money left to survive because of her spending on alcohol.

This is an issue that I have not spoken to her about yet. I just feel that binge drinking shows immaturity, and a lack of self-control (relating to her impulsive nature) and this could not only jeopardize her health, but safety as well if she decides to go on a big night out. Whenever she starts drinking, it makes me worried, and I would sometimes wait for her until wee hours in the morning to call and make sure she is home safe.

I just think that as adults, one should be responsible enough not to let others worry for you. But I cannot be putting this forward to her bluntly, because I myself drink (though in moderation). This constant worry does bug me, on one side I want her to enjoy herself, but on the other I know she is hardly capable of controlling herself. Any thoughts on this?

Despite all that I have just said, I still love her with all my heart and I want her to see me as a loving boyfriend who only wants the best for her. But I do not want to do it too bluntly and I prefer a more subtle approach, as a way of not sounding like I want to control her. Not that I want to control her, but I just want to worry less for her, which could in turn enforce the trust between us.

Or maybe I just worry too much.
Thoughts?

I have no idea

Barney the Dino — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:26:00 +0800

I know its not the wisest thing to post relationship problems on forums in hopes that some random stranger would come and give you a magic solution to get everything solved but it's just that lately I'm not feeling myself. Wherever I go, friends would ask me if I'm alright when I just fake a smile and shrug my shoulders and tell them I'm fine but in actual fact I'm not. So, I feel that maybe I should just write it all out here feeling that there are people who are listening and probably feel a little better about it.

Okay, its about a girl who I would regard as a very close friend. We would help each other out whenever either of us has problems and we'd hang out together, basically spending a lot of time together. We started off just normal friends, and then when I started noticing that she could be into me (no ordinary friend would call you every night just to make sure you drive back home safely, nor would they try so hard to control your bad habits or get angry at you from matters as small as smoking cigarettes when you promised her you would try to stop) I have to admit, I started growing into her.

She's nothing out of the spectacular but maybe I feel wanted around her, I feel being cared and looked after. I know she'd support me in anything I do, and be there when I am upset, accompany me just so I won't feel lonely or crack really cheesy jokes just to cheer me up. I enjoy her company a lot. It feels good to wake up in the morning receiving texts from her and you know you'd spend the rest of the day texting each other non-stop until both of you go to bed. Of course, whenever she is having difficulties in her coursework, I'd be the first to offer help, or when she isn't feeling too well I'll be there to cheer her up, or if she asks for a favour, no matter how troublesome, I'd do my absolute best to try and get it done for her.

I have considered many times on whether I should just propose to her to be my girlfriend as I have always believed in relationships that developed from good friendships and I know they will last. But the fact that she is a course-mate and I practically see her every single day, it'll be weird if say something happened like a break-up, it'll be awkward for us to see each other face to face isn't it? But I definitely like her, and if I am assuming it right, she would feel the same towards me too.

And then something happened. I met a car accident and of course she knows about it and was worried sick but I was just feeling a little bit under the weather for the next couple of days because of the accident. And so happen that it was 2 days away from a mid-term examination. "Traditionally", before exams, we would study together and I'd share my notes with her but this time I sort of didn't give her as much attention as she would like. I had no vehicle to go home the following day and so happen she asked her best friend, X, to fetch me home and I was really thankful. Because X is also a course mate who is also preparing for the exams, I offered her (X) to come over my house and we study together.

While studying together, X started telling me her problems with her. I listened to her problems. I wouldn't go into detail on what problems X mentioned, but I have to admit I agree with a few things regarding her behavior that she pointed out. Also, because of the stress of not being able to focus on revising for my exams in time and dealing with the accident, I kind of felt a little bit annoyed when she video called me and expected me to tell her about the chapters that I have been studying. I got annoyed and told her off saying she isn't focused enough with her studies and she is being too dependent on me when it comes to studies.

The following day she avoided me, nor did she talk to me. I attempted to talk to her but I could see that she was very upset about something which I learnt later on that she was very hurt from what I've said to her the previous night. I apologized to her and we weren't talking to each other for 2 days as I think its best to let her cool off by herself. She called after a couple of days and apologized on the phone to me for maybe being a bit clingy.

After that, everything went back to normal, we were constantly texting each other, talking to each other like how we always do, just, normal. And then she had to go to Korea for a study trip for 5 days which we are still able to contact each other through texts. After she came back, we had to work on a group assignment together and at that point, everything was still okay. Then X, her best friend began to ask me to spend more time with her to help her on her assignments, and I was thinking to myself, okay maybe it's okay, I'm just helping a friend's best friend out. We'd spend a lot of nights in the studio together and I'm not sure whether she is handling this well but gradually I noticed changes in her.

It seems like she and X's relationship is beginning to strain, and whenever I try to crack a joke with her, she'd get really annoyed, or when I try to talk to her, she would appear uninterested in what I'm saying, even when we text, she would reply very coldly. I was thinking okay, maybe she's just going through stresses with assignments (she has a lot to catch up with considering that she spent 5 days in Korea). But after a couple of weeks, still the same old cold treatment. At one point, I spent a few days only thinking about what I could have done wrong and I found out that she was having a cold so I decided as a friend, the least I could do is show that I care, and since that she don't really feel like talking to me, I bought her cookies from Famous Amos and brought it to her house and leave it on her doorstep with a little note wishing her well without signing my name.

And then I started noticing messages she posted of social networks like Twitter saying she is trying to "move on" and other emotional things. And lately she posts things like 'You've made my day' or 'I miss you' and I don't know whether its a deliberate attempt to get my attention or she really has found someone else in her life, it constantly keeps me thinking. Nobody knew about the Famous Amos cookies until I told a friend, Y, who was surprised and thought another guy delivered those cookies to her instead of me. And she thinks its from that other guy too.

I just have no clue as to what has happened. Is she jealous that I was a little closer with X? Or is she still hurt from what I've said to her? Has she found someone else in her life? Maybe I've done something wrong which I didn't realize? Maybe I mean no value to her if I'm not there to help her with her assignments?

I don't know what to think at this point. Its hard that someone so near and dear to you would just suddenly disappear from your life. Its like out of a sudden there are no more texts coming from her, or invitations to go watch a movie together, or having lunch together, or phone calls reminding me to drive safe, or I don't know, someone who actually fukken care about you so much and you do actually care for them too just vanishes from your life. I have no idea what to do next, try to patch up with her? but how when she don't even want to talk to me? Just leave it as it is and see her going out with another guy getting my heart broken but try to pretend that I am happy for her? Pretend nothing happened and waste this potentially very promising relationship?

I don't know guys, maybe someone could help me out a little here? Thanks for reading my long-winded story anyway, it does feel a little better as I write everything out.

Story of an assshole. seriously assshole.

Barney the Dino — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 02:10:20 +0800

For those who are asking if I'm studying at Sunway Uni or Taylors Uni or Monash or some place else, I prefer not to disclose here.

Hello K,

I have this assshole classmate who deserves a good fukken. Read the spoilers, it isn't that long anyway and it really makes him more of an assshole if you keep reading.

Why?

SUMMARY OF INCIDENT 1
College assignment, X gave zero participation and gave stupid excuses for not committing such as late night partying, booze and trouble with the police. Complaining he has no transport to college when there's an hourly shuttle bus from his area to college. And then blames us while flunking the whole group on our group assessment.