Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by kkChan

Semi Value Jokes

kkChan — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 11:23:54 +0800

Election time.. in case u need something to laff...

Favorite Quote from Samy Velu

1) Samy Velu on pos laju "BESOK KIRIM, HARI INI SAMPAI"

2) The one on TV when in trying to say he was ashamed, he said:`Kemaluan saya besar`

3) On drugs, "Jangan hisap dada"

4) Samy said in a ceramah "Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orong-orong kampong disini", one pakcik asked, "Datuk, sini takde sungai,buat apa bina
jambatan?" and Samy glorious Replied,"Kalau takde sungai, Kita bina sungai!"

5) Samy's favorite quote on national television "Toll naik sikit,
Manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini toll saya punya bapa punya kah!"

6) During the water shortage crisis : "semua orang diminta jgn
Membuang aiyerr..!"

7) During blood donation campaign in Sg Siput: "..marilah Kita semua
Menderma dara.."

8) During the opening speech of various function: "...selamat datang
Saudara-mara semua.." (actually is "saudara-saudari")

9) At an opening ceremony: "mempersilakan datin paduka rafidah aziz
Naik ke pentas utk membuka kain"

10) Commenting about his modesty: "sebenarnya, kemaluan saya
Sangat-sangat besar"

Stresss Reliever

kkChan — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 16:48:59 +0800

# 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

# 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

# 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

# 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time
of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

# 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

#6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

# 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

# 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

# 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Lady & Car salesman

kkChan — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:33:32 +0800

A lady walks into a Porsche dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her was a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, and to try and draw attention away to what she has just done, she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when you hear the price!"

Policeman

kkChan — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:29:20 +0800

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s***! He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Funny Q & A

kkChan — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:23:19 +0800

1. Employer to applicant: In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

2. Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?
I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months.

3. Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?
Defendant: Well, you come every day.

4. Why did the man wear a wet shirt?
Because the shirt's label said: Wash and wear.

5. Q: Which city is trying to get rid of its mad people?
A: Madrid..... MAD.. RID (got it!!)

6. A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence. When is your birthday dear? asked the teacher to his six-year old.
22nd February, said the child.
What year my dear? Asked the teacher.
Every year, said the child with a smile

7. Sunny: My mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday.
Sonia: Oh! anyone dead?
Sunny: Yes All of them

8. Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying?
A: The living room.

9. Q: When can 60 people stand under an umbrella without getting wet?
A: When it isn't raining.

10. Raju: How many sides does a circle have?
Ravi: A circle does not have any side.
Raju: Yes, it does, the inside and the outside.

12. Q: Why are doctors and lawyers never perfect?
A: Because they are always practising.

Indians have a sense of humor...

kkChan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 16:08:31 +0800

Indians have a sense of humor...

General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Jannab, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this
hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex
factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the
entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Musharaf: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope
with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad Musharaf: " Afghanistan ?"
Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

Musharaf: "What about India ?"
Minister: "Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck.Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh- tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick!That way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"

Miyan Musharaf called Singh, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad- full of boxes.
A delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes
He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green
and gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one

MADE IN INDIA
SIZE: SMALL

Ah Beng

kkChan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 16:03:18 +0800

Personally dont like Ah Beng's jokes, but since many of LYN folks here speak like him, so here's for you

Night Courses :

Ah Beng went to take night courses with the reasoning in future can get promotion or better job.

During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated

This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

Old woman driver

kkChan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 15:57:37 +0800

Paul sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

He to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and
three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the
officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway
189."

Priest & his cock

kkChan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 15:31:42 +0800

LOL...

A priest kept chickens at his village parish.
One evening a cock went missing....

At Mass, the priest asked the congregation,
"Who has a cock?" - All the men got up

"No, I meant to ask who has seen a cock?", the priest clarified
All the women got up.

"No No, who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"
Half the women in the congregation got up.

"For goodness sake, who has seen my cock?"
All the choir boys got up.

UP

kkChan — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 17:04:34 +0800

Subject: UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP a and why
are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP
the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.People stirup
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP
excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this
up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in
the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't! rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do
at night?

U P

Night Train

kkChan — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:52:32 +0800

A man and a woman, who had never met before, and who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***** blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Little Johny

kkChan — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 16:30:35 +0800

Little Johnny

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the
students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how
would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for
once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted!!!!