Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by crazy_pc

btdna

crazy_pc — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:51:07 +0800

i went into msconfig and found another new virus by the name of "btdna". since then my pc seems to hv slowed down. so is there any1 who know how to uninstall or kill the virus? i m not sure whether it is virus or spyware... pls advice. thanks a lot.....

load balancer

crazy_pc — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:08:15 +0800

would like to enquire which brand other than HP hv a stable connection for the load balancer? currently using HP but connection unstable. pls advice. thanks...

load balancer

crazy_pc — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:07:33 +0800

would like to enquire which brand other than HP hv a stable connection for the load balancer? currently using HP but connection unstable. pls advice. thanks...

load balancer

crazy_pc — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:06:06 +0800

which brand of load balancer wld u recommend other then HP as i am using the brand but the connection seems to be unstable... are there any other brand that you would recommend me and with a good price? thank you.

load balancer

crazy_pc — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:02:38 +0800

would like to enquire which brand other than HP hv a stable connection for the load balancer? currently using HP but connection unstable. pls advice. thanks...

KAVO

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 07:30:00 +0800

KAVO

crazy_pc — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:13:02 +0800

my pc has been infected seriously with KAVO and AUTORUN.INF virus. can i knw wht software can i erase the virus once and for all?? and does anyone knw where usually does this 2 virus comes from?? because all my PC also infected with it. pls advice. thanks....

Microsoft Outlook

crazy_pc — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:02:47 +0800

can i know what should i do if i want to receive mail from my yahoo and hotmail account from microsoft outlook?? wht setting shld i do? pls advice.

pendrive

crazy_pc — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 11:39:26 +0800

i hv a pendrive which i hv been using and when i wanted to save sth into it, an error popped out, saying that it is write protected. i guess it might hv been infected with virus. which software can i use to solve my problem so that i can continue using the pendrive? my friend told me it is spoilt. but i dun think so. please advise. thanks.

Why I Fired My Secretary

crazy_pc — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:04:07 +0800

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Who is the boss

crazy_pc — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:57:31 +0800

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the ******* spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the ******* being the boss. The ******* got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the ******* be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the ******* just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old *******.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single *******.

hope it's funny....

Funny and Crazy Facts

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 17:09:06 +0800

something i found earlier.. tot it was interesting.

The funny and crazy facts found below are all true, believe it or not.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body that it could squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes long. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach can live up to nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Warning: Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")

The flea can jump up to 350 times its body length. For a human, that would be equivalent to jumping the length of a entire football field. (30 minutes....lucky pig.... Can you imagine 30 minute orgasm??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the sea?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life.... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies can taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmm........ won't go there.)

Right-handed people live, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people. (Glad to be right handed.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???)

hope u enjoyed it...!

161 Condom Slogans

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:29:58 +0800

Found this on the net somewhere... tot it was an interesting fact.... hope u enjoy....

161 Condom Slogans

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your d***
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that b****
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

jokes

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:26:50 +0800

hope every1 will enjoy.... hope no repost too... HV FUN!!

Typewriter s3x

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on
it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her Mom what her dad said and her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because
there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he
can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to
her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

---------------------------------------------------

A Fairytale Screw

A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny.

As he was passing a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He
thought to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there is no one around for miles.....

He pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a nice, juicy
looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it, and began to
screw the pumpkin.

After a while he really got into it, and didn't notice the police
car pulling up.

The cop walked over and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise
that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looked at the cop in complete horror, thought fast and
said, "A pumpkin? My goodness, is it midnight already?"

---------------------------------------------------

Miracle Formula

A boy is eating breakfast with his grandfather one morning, and
the grandfather notices the boy playing with some kind of chemical
in a test tube.

The boy pours the chemical on a worm and the worm turned hard as a
rock. The grandfather says, "Son, what is that you're putting on
that worm?"

The boy replies, "I'm not sure. Something I mixed up. But
everything I put it on turns hard."

So the grandfather says, "I'll make a deal with you...let me
borrow some of that, and if it does what I think it will do, I'll
leave you £5 on your breakfast plate in the morning."

The boy says OK, and goes off to school. The next morning when the
boy went down for breakfast he had £25 on his plate. He says,
"Grandpa, I thought you said you would leave me £5 if that stuff
did what you thought it would do."

The grandfather replies, "I did, son....the other £20 is from
Grandma!"

---------------------------------------------------

Movie Magic

Two junior co-eds, Judy and Fern went to the movies one night.

Fifteen minutes into the movie Judy leaned over to Fern and
whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next
to me is masturbating."

Unable to tear her gaze from the movie screen Fern whispered back
"Don't do anything, just ignore it."

"Believe me Fern" retorted Judy somewhat indignantly, "I wish I
could ignore it but I can't."

"Oh why not!" hissed back Fern.

"Because he's using my hand!"

---------------------------------------------------

Burning Calories

Question:
> Does anyone have any information on how many calories are burned
by various sexual activities? This may be the best physical
exercise to lose weight!

Answer:
-----------------------------------------
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
-----------------------------------------

REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent...............12
Without partner's consent...........187

UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands..................7
Using one trembling hand.............36

GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner......................15
Dragging partner along floor.........16
Using skateboard......................3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man..............2.5
Losing erection......................14
Searching for it....................115

PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.......................1.5
Without erection....................300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced..........................6
Inexperienced.......................73
If a man does it....................680

Add (5) calories for retreiving it
from across the room.

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top, woman in
kitchen.............................26
Russian- Woman on bottom,
man getting permission..............55
American- Both on top................60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing..............................7
Sliding around........................9
Serious skidding.....................12
Whiplash.............................27

ORGASM:
Real.................................27
Faked...............................160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off.......................35
Expression didn't change............1/2
Orchestra swelled.....................6
Birds sang
Large birds..........................7
Small birds..........................3
Earth moved...........................30

PULLING OUT:
After orgasm........................1/2
A few moments before orgasm.........500

PENIS ENVY:
For woman.............................3
For men..............................72

GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm
comes easily, naturally.............53
You're enjoying sex, despite the
fact that other people are
starving.............................2
Sex on your lunch hour................3
Putting it on expense account........20

AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants..........5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog
during foreplay.....................14
Partner just visited bathroom for
7th time............................10
Partner is taking phone calls.........7
Partner is making phone calls........40

GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..................60
By your spouse......................100
Trying to explain....................55
Trying to remain calm...............100
Leaping out of bed...................75
Getting dressed in one motion.......500
Thanking partner quickly..............2

---------------------------------------------------

Dental Hygiene

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom
comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a
mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that
women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all
women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents
are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing
to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down
there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women
have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any
teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

---------------------------------------------------

Legs Up For Jesus

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs
are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for
Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift
Tiddles up to Heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However,
two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears
in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl
and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely
have gone, Daddy."

---------------------------------------------------

Last Wish

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24
hours to live.

He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry
over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he
only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course, Darling!" she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her
again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you
think we could do it again?" Again she responded very
sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion.
He tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know
dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for
old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed,
but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he
tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep
bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die,
can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says,
"You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning... But I do!"

---------------------------------------------------

Pinocchio's Splinter Problem

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls
and wooden boys do.

As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something
was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the
matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're
probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love
you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he
went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When
Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed
his dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he
suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's
relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked
Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore
assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades
sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When
he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had
in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going
pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" and Pinocchio replied:

"Girls, who needs girls?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

---------------------------------------------------

Voodoo Pen1s

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..."
and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo
Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the
middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis,
return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to £738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in
my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

---------------------------------------------------

Little Red Riding Hood

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:58:02 +0800

Little Red Riding Hood was walking trough the forest one day, when
she ran into the Three Little Pigs.

"Little Red Riding Hood,beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for
you!" they said. "He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull
down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

Little Red Riding Hood nods her head and says, "That's ok." and
continues on her way.

A little while later Smokey the Bear comes up to her and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood, beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for
you! He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your
little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

Again she nods her head and says, "I'm not worried." and continues
on her way.

Well she walk on a ways, and soon the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and
says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! I've been waiting for you.
Now I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little
red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"

Very calmly Little Red Riding Hood goes into her basket and pulls
out a 357 magnum. Points it straight between the wolf's eyes and
says, "No your not! Your gonna pull up my little red dress, pull
down my little red panties, and eat me like the story says!"

Strange American Laws

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:00:55 +0800

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. Kibo.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. nj.

Attention Gooley: In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Blair!

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. cj!

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. Jenine!

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. Gypsy!

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Gypsy?

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Gypsy.

In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face). Gypsy!

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. gypsy.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club" gypsy

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds (gypsy), nor shall it apply to female horses."

In the United States, the federal government forces states to set speed limits of 55 miles per hour or less. This law was later ammedend to allow travel at 65 miles per hour but only on rural roads.

Jus some jokes....

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:00:18 +0800

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night," he muttered.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, What's wrong pal?
I'll never understand women. Max said. The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

Wow! said the bartender. But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.

Well, Max went on, I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.

He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.

She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.

She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.

Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks seductively.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

---------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

---------------------------------------------------------------

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why men have two dogs and not two wives

crazy_pc — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 13:08:47 +0800

Another Tranche of Marriage and Relationship Jokes
Why men have two dogs and not two wives

The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
A dog's parents never visit you
Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than inside your wallet or desk.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:

If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

STEAM software

crazy_pc — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:32:02 +0800

hi does anyone knw how to install STEAM software to my client PC at a cyber cafe? What steps shld i follow? do i need to install the CERTIFICATE in every pc 1 by 1? need help ASAP. i dunno wht to do..... i have been thinking n thinking n still cant find the way to settle my prob.
pls advice. thanks a lot

lineage2 download

crazy_pc — Sun, 11 May 2008 22:18:20 +0800

hi where can i find lineage 2 free complete download without any files being corrupted? pls advise. thanks....