Lowyat.NET: Latest topics by KLL

Bush jokes

KLL — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 16:49:26 +0800

post some jokes you guys got of US president George Bush here

Joke 1:
Bush and his driver were driving down a country road when thay crashed and killed a pig lying in the middle of the road. Bush said to his driver "Go apologize to the farmer." The driver went into the house and five minutes later, he is out with a bottle of wine and tons of cash. Bush was amazed and asked tha driver what did he say. The driver said," I told the farmer I was George Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

Joke 2:
Bush and his convoy were on the way up a hill to find supporters for his campaign. on the way, one of the cars slipped and caused a massive accident. No one survived. A farmer who was working nearby, rushed over and buried everyone when he saw they were dead. Five days later, Secret Service agents visited the farmer as he was the only witness. They asked the farmer if he discovered anyone alive. The farmer said, "when I was burying Bush, he kept shouting that he was alive." The Secret Service agent asked, "then did you bury him alive?" the farmer said, " ah, take it easy, fellas, he was dead for sure, ya know Bush never tells the truth, man."

excuses for speeding

KLL — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 10:25:49 +0800

excuses for speeding:

1) My brakes weren't working, sir, but hey whaddaya know, they were working fine just now.

2) Do you mind, officer, I'm missing The Apprentice

3)If you'd be willing to look another direction this time, sir, I'd make it worth your time, say a free coupon to Starbucks?

4) I was just making sure your radar gun was working perfectly. 88MPH you say? Yeah, it's perfect.

5) I'm sorry sir, but I'm taking my wife to hospital. Where's my wife? Dang it, i knew i forgot something!

6) I'm rushing home to answer the telephone.

7) I just took a laxative. Now let me go or WATCH me go, your choice.

8)Don't talk to me, officer, tal to my hands.

and the worst excuse...

9) the devil made me do it

hot tempered ah soh

KLL — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 23:40:48 +0800

http://www.filecabi.net/video/beltsinga.html

not very funny laa

drunk man

KLL — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 16:46:59 +0800

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

boy boy

KLL — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 11:41:46 +0800

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation. Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Good-bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

clever boy 4

KLL — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 11:36:33 +0800

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: May I ask what the chicken did?"

clever boy 3

KLL — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 11:27:52 +0800

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?," says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'h*ll' and you say '*ss', o.k.?" "O.k." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, h*ll mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your *ss it won't be Cheerios"

accident?

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 14:27:31 +0800

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

various country men

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 11:40:40 +0800

There are 9 beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if s*x is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English are not getting any.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on b*tching about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

cha dou

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 11:38:53 +0800

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly... Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

tough joke

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 11:32:31 +0800

There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSCENE CLONE FALL.

interview

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 09:25:17 +0800

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

clever boy 2

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 09:23:36 +0800

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

dammmn b*tchy wife

KLL — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 09:22:31 +0800

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.' "

see?

computer acronyms

KLL — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 20:33:41 +0800

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WWW - World Wide Wait

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

clever boy

KLL — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 20:27:55 +0800

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

fast food song

KLL — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 16:33:32 +0800

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJRhd3um6Ac

check see